幽默段子没事我不嫌你脏你待过的肚子我都没嫌弃

选择字号：超大标准 dzgoadmin 发布于2019-05-19 属于搞笑段子栏目 0个评论 122人浏览

　　有个同事，是蒙古人，还属于游牧民族。春节回家过年，节后都上班好几天啦，也没有见他来上班，也没有打电话请假。领导不放心就给他打电话问什么情况，同事在电话那端，很无奈地说：领导，从春节放假到现在我还没有找到家呢！我不知道我家搬到哪里啦，我正在草原上骑着马找呢！领导和同事们听到他说的线我喝了半截饮料的杯子，妹妹随手拿起来就咕噜咕噜喝完了。我正诧异，妹妹淡定的说了句：没事，我不嫌你脏，你待过的肚子我都没嫌弃。我凌乱了，其实我想说，你给我留点儿……我家是老妈管钱的，前天晚上老妈跟她闺蜜出去吃饭去了。老爸一身酒气回来了，翻了4000给我，笑嘻嘻的让我保密，就睡觉去了，昨天老妈问老爸的工资，老爸一脸懵的到处找，捶胸顿足的说昨天晚上喝多了，不知道丢到哪里去了，老妈只是把老爸骂了一顿就没说话，我心里偷着乐，心想这钱归我了。一会儿老爸来找我就说闺女啊这，你不要告诉你妈妈呀，给你500给我3500。哥哥过生日，今天嫂子亲自下厨做了几个菜。平时嫂子不做饭，可以想象到菜的口味如何啦，但是全家人都没有说不好吃，只是小侄子吃了两口后，突然就哇的一声做干呕状。他看到嫂子在瞪着自己，小侄子赶忙解释，说：妈妈，我不会是怀孕了吧，还是因为你做的菜难吃？嫂子~~今天骗宝贝玩弹皮筋，就是两个人都套在手指上一人拉一边然后我松开，把她弹哭了，她还要玩，我以为她不会，就得意洋洋的说：“来呀来呀！”谁知她套上之后使劲一拉就松开了……然后说了句：“来呀来呀！互相伤害呀！”老师：小明，你说一下你对家的理解。小明：家是一个离开一天特别想回去的地方。老师：嗯，非常好！！！小明：老师我还没说完呢，家还是一个回去5分钟就特别想离开的地方。老师：为什么？小明：因为吃完饭了。。。

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e,i=t.isarray(e);if(string==r)return+e.replace(//g,)+;if(number==rboolean==r)return e;if(it.isplainobject(e)){var s=t.map(e,function(e,t){return i?n(e):+t.tostring().replace(//g,)+:+n(e)}).join();return i?[+s+]:{+s+}}return null},r=n(e);return r&&r.tostring()}},n.support=t.extend({fixed:!1},t.support),t(function(){try{var e=t(document.body),r=t().attr(src,o).hide();t(n.body).append(u),window[s]=function(){clearTimeout(a),delete r.object;var e=u[0].contentWindow,n=e.document,s=r.store=n.createElement(input);setTimeout(function(){s.addBehavior(#default#userData),n.body.appendChild(s),s.load(r.storeName),t.each(i.data,function(e,t){s.setAttribute(e,t)}),s.save(r.storeName)},30)};var a=setTimeout(function(){u.remove()},2e4)})}},set:function(e,t){this.object?this.object.set(e,t):(this.store.load(this.storeName),this.store.setAttribute(e,t),this.store.save(this.storeName))},get:function(e,t){if(this.object)return this.object.get(e,t);this.store.load(this.storeName);var n=this.store.getAttribute(e);return null!==n?n:t},remove:function(e){this.object?this.object.remove(e):this.store.removeAttribute(e)}},a={init:function(){this.data=this.data{}},set:function(e,t){this.data[e]=t},get:function(e,t){var n=this.data[e];return void 0!==n?n:t},remove:function(e){delete this.data[e]}},f=navigator.userAgent.toLowerCase(),l=f.match(/msie ([\d.]+)/),c=l&&l[1],h=6==c7==c;e.utils.storage=function(e){var t;switch(e){default:caselocal:try{t=window.localStorage?r:h?u:a}catch(e){t=a}break;casesession:try{t=window.sessionStorage?i:a}catch(e){t=a}break;casecookie:t=o()?s:a;break;casepage:t=a}return t.init&&t.init(),t},h&&u.init()}(QHPass),function(e){use strict;var t=e.$,n=立即登录,r=e.ERROR={REALNAME_EMPTY:{errno:204,errmsg:请输入您的真实姓名},REALNAME_INVALID:{errno:227,errmsg:请确认您输入的真实姓名是否有误},ACCOUNT_EMPTY:{errno:1030,errmsg:请输入360帐号},ACCOUNT_INVALID:{errno:1035,errmsg:请确认您的帐号输入是否有误},ACCOUNT_DUPLICATE:{errno:1037,errmsg:该帐号已经注册，+n},USERNAME_DUPLICATE:{errno:213,errmsg:用户名已经被使用，+n},USERNAME_EMPTY:{errno:215,errmsg:请输入用户名},USERNAME_INAPPROPRIATE:{errno:225,ermsg:用户名包含不适当内容},USERNAME_INVALID:{errno:199,errmsg:用户名应为2-14个字符,支持中英文、数字或_},USERNAME_NUMBER:{errno:200,errmsg:用户名不能全为数字},NICKNAME_EMPTY:{errno:205,errmsg:请输入昵称},NICKNAME_DUPLICATE:{errno:260,errmsg:昵称已经被使用},NICKNAME_INAPPROPRIATE:{errno:226,errmsg:昵称包含不适当内容},NICKNAME_NUMBER:{errno:262,errmsg:昵称不能全部是数字},NICKNAME_INVALID:{errno:15e3,errmsg:昵称应为2-14个字符,支持中英文、数字、_或.},EMAIL_EMPTY:{errno:203,errmsg:请输入邮箱},EMAIL_INVALID:{errno:1532,errmsg:邮箱格式有误},EMAIL_NOT_ACTIVATED:{errno:2e4},MOBILE_EMPTY:{errno:1107,errmsg:请输入手机号},MOBILE_INVALID:{errno:1100,errmsg:手机号格式有误},MOBILE_DUPLICATE:{errno:1106,errmsg:该手机号已经注册，+n},CAPTCHA_INVALID:{errno:78e3,errmsg:验证码错误请重新输入},CAPTCHA_INVALID_OLD:{errno:1670,errmsg:验证码错误请重新输入},CAPTCHA_EMPTY:{errno:78002,errmsg:请输入验证码},CAPTCHA_APPID_INVALID:{errno:1300,errmsg:验证码格式有误},SMS_TOKEN_EMPTY:{errno:1350,errmsg:请输入校验码},SMS_TOKEN_INCORRECT:{errno:1351,errmsg:校验码输入有误},PASSWORD_EMPTY:{errno:211,errmsg:请输入密码},PASSWORD_INVALID:{errno:1065,errmsg:密码长度应为6-20个字符},PASSWORD_LEVEL_LOW:{errno:54999,errmsg:密码安全级别过低},PASSWORD_WEAK:{errno:54999,errmsg:密码弱，有风险，请重新输入},PASSWORD_ORDERED:{errno:54999,errmsg:密码不能为连续字符},PASSWORD_CHAR_REPEAT:{errno:54999,errmsg:密码不能全为相同字符},PASSWORD_WRONG:{errno:220,errmsg:登录密码错误，请重新输入},PASSWORD_NOT_MATCH:{errno:1091,errmsg:两次密码输入不一致},PASSWORD_FULL_SHARP:{errno:54e3,errmsg:密码不能包含中文字符，请重新设置},IDENTIFY_EXPIRE:{errno:153e3},NOT_SIGNED_IN:{errno:1501,errmsg:用户未登陆},UNKNOWN_ERROR:{errno:999999,errmsg:未知错误},SUCCESS:{errno:0,errmsg:操作成功},TIME_OUT:{errno:1,errmsg:网络超时}},i=e.utils=e.utils{},s={1105:该手机号未注册360帐号,1402:手机号当天发送短信次数超限,201:该邮箱已经注册，+n,3e4:该手机号已经注册，请直接用手机号登录,30007:该手机号已经注册，请直接用手机号登录,65002:该帐号未开启短信登录功能，立即开启,65001:该帐号只能通过短信登录，关闭此功能,221:帐号被封禁，点此联系客服,78001:提交过于频。

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